i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
