I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
