trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
