Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
