Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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