u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
