Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize