Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
