So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize