There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
