I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize