Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize