AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
