Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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