Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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