I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
