i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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