I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
