Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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