So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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