hotel room ftw
We won't sleep together?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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