i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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