I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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