I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
