Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
