I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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