Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
