I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just threw up on my dentist
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
