please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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