you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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