even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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