i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
