It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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