i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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