My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize