when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
