non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
