You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
