I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
