if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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