I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
