you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
