Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I love you. Go after that dick
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
