I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
