i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
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