I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
