how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
