I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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