I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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