So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
