You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
either way he was missing a nipple.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
