I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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