if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
