just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
