You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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