I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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