dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
