Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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