Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize