The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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