hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
